Grief is not only difficult because we feel difficult feelings. It is also difficult because we think difficult thoughts. According to one of the early researchers in grief, Elisabeth Kubler Ross, there are five stages of grief. Since her original studies, we have discovered more and more about these stages, including the fact that they do not happen in any specific order. These stages are: denial, anger, sorrow or depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. I call these "stages of acceptance" because anytime we are trying to adjust to a new or difficult reality, we go through these stages. One of the most difficult stages is bargaining. The reason for this difficulty is that we can play all kinds of tricks on ourselves in this stage. Basically, the bargain goes something like this: If I....then you'll.
Instructions
Know your bargains to overcome them
1. The first step in overcoming the bargaining stage of grief is to learn about your bargains. Bargaining can literally go on for years after a difficult reality has occured. It's a kind of magical thinking that keeps us from really having to accept something we just don't want to accept. If for example, you are in a relationship that's not working, you may convince yourself again and again that this time you are going to say or do just the right thing that will make your spouse get it and change. If you had parents who were constantly critical, you may bargain with this reality for years, by trying hard, harder, hardest to please him. The important thing in this step is to get clear on exactly what your bargain is.
2. Bbegin to look at the numerous times that you have attempted to make your bargain go through. You've said all the right things, you've done all the right things, you've tried and tried and tried, but nothing has changed. Your husband is still an alcoholic. Your father is still hypercritical. Your wife is still cold and indifferent to you. This is hard stuff. But essentially if you really want to get to acceptance, the final stage of grief, and find peace, you have to stop bargaining.
3. Now it is time to look at the fact that this reality is just not going to change. You can't make your mother into a loving supportive woman no matter how many times you tell her vulnerable information about yourself. She is always going to do the same thing--say something harsh and controlling. No matter how many ways you try to convince your husband that he's an alcoholic, he's not listening. Besides, he needs another drink.
4. Once you've looked at the fact that your difficult reality is not going to change, you can make a decision to stop trying to get it to change. But, we rarely stop one thing without starting something else. So at this point you may want to consider what things you can do for yourself that allow you to let go of bargaining. Instead of calling Mom and telling her another vulnerable issue in your life, hoping this time she'll be kind, call someone whom you know will be nurturing and kind. Instead of trying to talk your husband into getting help, go get some for yourself.
5. Repetition is the way we learn every new thing. Keep repeating the proactive behaviors that you've implemented to substitute for bargaining. As you do this, you may find that sorrow and anger arise again. But then you will finally arrive at acceptance. Acceptance knows that the reality is what it is, and can live with it, or without it, as the case may be. Acceptance is a peaceful place of just knowing that you are going to be okay with this reality. You may even find that you are changed at a core level by getting past your grief. Bargaining, however, only keeps you stuck in grief.
Tags: difficult reality, fact that, make your, these stages, this reality, change make